Betta died today.
Betta was a Siamese fighting fish (Betta splendens) whom we got on my daughter’s second birthday, two and a half years ago. One of her presents was a small tank for raising brine shrimp, but we were supposed to send away for the shrimp eggs and because two-year-olds – especially newly minted two-year-olds – are impatient, we went out and got Betta that afternoon.
She had been doing poorly for the past month, spending a lot of time in the corner of her tank and swimming around only to eat. We tried changing her diet, but she didn’t like blood worms or shrimp, and nothing much helped. This morning she was lying still at the bottom of her tank, her gills no longer pulsing.
My daughter, now all of four years old, is very concerned with death and impermanence in all its forms. Shortly before we got Betta, our dog Dauber died. One night recently she said to me, “When I had Dauber I didn’t love him more than pinkies [her pink blankets], but now that he died I love him more, because I wish I had Dauber. Thinking about him really makes me cry for real. I really wish I had Dauber.” She gets upset when her crops in We Farm die before she can harvest them. Last night she put her foot on the dinner table, so I said she couldn’t have dessert. She asked if I would ever take anything away forever. She said, “If you took something away forever, that would be like throwing it away, and then I would be sad,” and she started to cry.
My daughter’s at school now. We’ll see how she reacts to Betta’s death when she comes home. Someday she’ll see death the way I do. It’s sad, and it hurts those who are left behind, but it’s a necessary part of life, and if you have a good life, there’s nothing more that you can ask for. But now, of course, everything is more immediate for her, both more joyful and more painful. She lives in a different world from us adults, and we can only get an occasional peek inside.
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About the author: James Kwak is a (former) software entrepreneur, blogger, author, law student, soon-to-be professor, and father of the happiest little girl in the world.
